Critique: Garden of Tears (a poem by Amelia)

vintage-gardens-contemporary-with-images-of-vintage-gardens-style-new-in-ideas
“Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words” ~Robert Frost

Welcome to the first critique on We Learn as We Write! I am very excited to introduce this piece of poetry written by Amelia.
Remember, to enter a critique just write in the comments below. If you have a submission, email me at wendythewriterccg@gmail.com and read the guidelines.
Let’s get to critiquing!

Garden of Tears

Eve’s Lament

My grace was unmatched

My mind, so flawless

My heart was perfect

O why did I succumb to darkness?

I walked in peace

My thoughts never waning

When Sin wasn’t a word

At least not one worth saying

But I saw the serpent

So striking and cunning

I went to him in innocence

When I should have been running

He condemned me and eternity

My fault, alas! The guilt!

I ate the fruit

Satan drew a sword from its hilt

What once was good

Is now terribly wrong

Beauty is no more

And no more is my song

Lo! The shame

What had I done?

Wicked and evil

Shall be called my son

As I walk with heavy steps

I heave many sighs

If I could go back

Yea, and untell my first lie!

My husband is not who he was

The shame he feels

His heart, once free

Is now coldly sealed

He treads with sorrow

Laden on his back

No forgiveness

Could maintain what we lack

We hid from God

To the one who Sees

We hide our faces

What fools are we!

We loved Him so

The One who creates

We shunned his Name

But showed Satan no hate

We knew all along

What we were nigh to touch

Sinner is our name

And forever be called such

I long for those days

When we walked with He

On sunset nights

On faithful, bended knee

The love poured forth

So warm and free

Flowed without reproach

But abused it did we

I pray for hope

To the world and some

Who fall with temptation

Accept this grace which is to come

Advertisements

One thought on “Critique: Garden of Tears (a poem by Amelia)

  1. Hi Amelia!
    Wow! What a powerful, thought-provoking poem! I loved how it came together in the end when it mentioned the coming of Christ!
    Just a few thoughts;
    “But I saw the serpent, so striking and cunning…” I think you could use a different adjective instead of having two words that end with –ing. Perhaps “sly and cunning” would work better; it gives the word image of the serpent to have a bit more of a deceptive edge. You can play around with different words or phrases to make it flow a little better.
    “We loved him so, the One who creates, we shunned his name but showed Satan no hate…” This is just a personal opinion, but I kind of think the last stanza doesn’t quite match. It just seems a little “thrown-in”.
    Other than that, you did an excellent job and I thoroughly enjoying reading this piece (3 times, actually!).
    ~W. Greene

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s