I don’t really know what this post is going to be about, honestly.
I just feel like I need to write whatever it turns out to be.
So I guess I’ll start out by explaining my novel situation.
You all know that I’ve been ardently working on Where the Ghosts Lie, my military/espionage story for the past few months. I love writing it. I really do. I love my characters, and I actually think I may have an interesting plot (but I suppose that’s a matter of opinion, hehe)
It’s been difficult, though, because I really, really want to get it right. I don’t know a lot about the CIA, military tactic, or protocol in doing seemingly easy things. Of course I want my novel to be realistic and plausible.
It’s also been kind of fun with my brothers, who do know a lot about those things. They’ve helped “choreograph” fight scenes, told me the most practical weapons to use, and, most admiringly, listen to my endless chattering about the plot.
I’ve had so much fun publishing it on Wattpad and have received such encouraging feedback.
But now I just don’t know.
I don’t know where it’s going anymore. I don’t have an “epic final battle” planned out. I don’t even know how my character’s are going to resolve the problem.
I do know that all writers run into this at some point, and that’s the amazing thing–they always pull through.
But this has happened to me every novel I’ve ever started. I fly through the beginning and middle without a problem, but then I never finish.
I always start out with, “This! This is the one!”
And then leave it again for another story.
I guess I just feel like I keep striving towards the goal, but fall short every time. I certainly don’t think of it as a waste of time. I improve with every draft of a new story (as all writers do!).
It would just be nice to finish something. And I don’t mean “finish” as in “publish”, but to simply start a story and eventually write the words “The End” would be something I’ve never done before.
But then, as I’m thinking about this, something else dawns on me.
I never finish anything.
Now, I don’t mean that as a self-pitying comment at all. I’m talking about my insecurity that goes deeper than unfinished words on a page.
A perfect example of this would be my blog posts. I always start and continue very well, but there always feels like there should be more.
Does that make sense?
It takes me forever to start up my thoughts (or stories) and by the time I get to the late middle/the end, I feel like that’s enough because people are probably bored by then.
I worry so much about people losing interest.
In my story.
In my blog.
So I cut it off with an extremely clumsy wrap-up. I’ve realized this with my relationships in real life too. I’m horrible at communication because I just assume people don’t want to hear what I have to say. I don’t want to burden or bore them because whatever I’m saying isn’t important anyway.
How selfish is that?
By me being insecure and assuming someone isn’t interested in what I’m saying is a sign of control and fear.
I don’t want someone to judge me because they think I’m boring or rambly. I fear them not wanting to be around me. What I’m doing is actually taking the situation into my own hands because I’m insecure.
Newsflash to self: That’s a sin. I have security in Christ. Who am I to control what others think “uninteresting”? And what if God uses my words to, I don’t know, bless someone?
That’s a rather different version of “finishing what you start” 😄
So I don’t really know how this correlates with my lack of inspiration for my novel, it just kind of came out.
As for finishing my novel, I don’t know. I really don’t. Right now I’m kind of a puddle of sadness because someone very close to me has kind of lost interest in it. Aaaand all of these emotions followed it, I guess!
But here’s a message to writers and fellow humans alike:
Don’t give up.
In the face of adversity, do whatever is pleasing and glorifying to Christ. If you don’t finish that WIP, never stop writing. Don’t feel like a failure, because you’re not . You’ve just got more experience in your pocket to use elsewhere. I hope my little rant has inspired you to either keep going or move on.
As for me, I’m not sure which I’ll choose, but whatever it is, this whole experience (writing-wise and personal) has changed me. For the better. Although it’s hard, I’ll come out stronger in more ways than one.
(P.S. Don’t worry, Where the Ghosts Lie readers, I’m not planning to drop the story completely quite yet!)