Going Forward

I’m going to start out by saying: this post is just something personal that I’ve been struggling with…I don’t know if it’ll apply to you, but hopefully it’ll be of some Christian encouragement ^_^

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I sometimes trap myself within my own stereotyped personality.

For example:

I always tell my parents that I don’t want to get married, always act indignant towards things of that matter, when, in reality, I’m a hopeless romantic who believes in soulmates.

But now I’ve made a conundrum for myself.

What if I do get married?

I’ll have to face all of those sly remarks of, “What happened to praying that your future husband didn’t exist, huh?”

And I dread that. I really do. I know everyone’s joking, but I just don’t look forward to those comments.

Another instance would be me struggling with being an introvert.

I enjoy being an introvert…but also, very secretly, enjoy being around people too. I struggle more with close friendships, that is very much true, but I do like chatting with people and interacting with them.

But I can’t let that show. Why? Because I’ve put on this persona for years that I hate people and that no conversation is pleasant on my part.

Just writing that sentence is appalling.

So when I come back from a lovely conversation, I just can’t admit that I enjoyed it, because someone might say, “Wow, look at you socializing! I’m impressed!”

But that’s it. That’s my wall.

These are the walls I’ve built myself…why? I don’t know.

I just feel so trapped. Not by people, but what I’ve made people to perceive about me.

And here’s the thing too: I’m not allowing myself to grow closer to Christ in some areas because I’m selfishly holding onto the things that are comfortable.

Here’s the bad part: no one but me sees this hard heart of mine. Sometimes I deceive myself into thinking, “Well, as long as everyone thinks I’m patient and humble, I can just work on it in private” (*cough* AKA, not put it into action at all *cough*).

Remember how I dread those comments that’ll be made after I do something different? Yeah. Those make me extremely uncomfortable…that’s why I stay in my cozy little hobbit-hole of self reliance, because it’s nice in there and has an abundance of mac ‘n cheese.

But this person in hiding isn’t who God has called me to be.

He has called me to walk in humility, not snark and cynicism. (Zephaniah 2:3)

He has called me to have a soft and loving spirit, not one of coldness (Matthew 5:8)

He’s called me to love my neighbor, not pretend to tolerate them. (John 13:34-35)

So on the outside I’m sweet and kind and caring, and no one’s the wiser.

Guys, that’s super dangerous.

Because then I start believing it.

I become complacent in my walk, and slow my pace in advancing towards the Kingdom.

People think my sassy comments towards marriage or socializing are funny.

But that’s actually my black heart masked by joking words.

Now, I’m not going to be cliché and finish by saying “so don’t worry about what other people say”, but as Christians, we shouldn’t fear what people say…as long as we are walking in the spirit with our eyes towards Christ.

Personally, I am praying that God change me; to renew my mind to be set on things of Him every day.

And yes, those joking comments are going to be difficult to hear and not respond with “Yeah, she just wouldn’t shut up!” and instead say, “Yeah, it was nice catching up with her.”

But guess what?

That teaches humility. It teaches reliance on Christ.

It makes me die to self.

Which is hard, but it’s good.

So that’s what I’m struggling with lately. And sometimes it helps to preach to myself 😛 Hopefully it was an encouragement to you too, though, and I also hope that we all keep our eyes forward.

Not backwards.

Not all around us.

Just forward.

We need to keep advancing until we meet journey’s end.

 

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12 thoughts on “Going Forward

  1. I love this. ❤ I am SO painfully familiar with the feeling of growing in maturity and realizing that my new perspective requires me to walk back on my previous talk or attitudes or stances. It's super humbling. (As a teen I used to think self-publishing was for the really lame books that didn't pass muster with "real publishing." And now look – I'm about to self-publish a short story. Who knows? I might self-pub whole novels someday! Me-of-10-years-ago would be mortified. 😛 ) Let those walls fall down! Accept that obedience may mean jokes or teasing, in that "I told you so" kind of tone (aaaughhh, I know how frustrating that sort of teasing is!!). Sometimes it seems easier to keep holding on to the wrong thing than admit we were wrong and have other people to be amused at us, but ultimately it blesses both us and those around us when we humbly change and become more like Christ even at the cost of our facade. For others to see Him shining through us is far better than for our walls of pride to hold in that light. ^_^

    Anyways – I kind of rambled there (but I won't apologize for it because I know you hate that! Hahaha 😉 ) and it's probably not all new thoughts to you. But basically…I love this post. I love your humility and honesty – we should all be more like this. ^_^

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I totally relate to this. I used to be so caught up in trying to “keep up appearances.” For some reason I wanted people to see me as this perfect girl who never messed up. I felt the need to hold on to an image of myself that I knew wasn’t real. And I had heard about grace all my life, but I didn’t understand it then. But I do now. 😉 And I gotta say, now that I’ve been letting those walls I’d built around my raw self fall down, I’m happier. 🙂 Thank you for sharing your heart. I hope you have a great day ❤
    -Beatrice

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is something I have been struggling with for the past year. Your words are so wise and exactly what I needed right now. Let’s both remember we’re not alone and to keep looking forward 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. NICHOLEEE. Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. This post. I was freaking out by the first line because THIS IS ME IN A NUTSHELL. Like, even with the two specific things that you mentioned. I’ve closed myself into so many boxes, and ugh, it’s frustrating. I am bookmarking this and plan to read it at least once a week. 😉 ❤

    Like

  5. Little late to the party​ here, but…

    You put to words here what I feel so often. I know I’ve built a lot of walls around me to prove to myself and others that I only really need me…and it’s not really due to my personality, but rather stuff that has happened in the past. These two areas are where I’ve especially struggled, and I’ve been slowly, with God’s help, opening up to a few people at a time. And it’s actually amazing, to be able to tell someone I need them and experience what it’s like to add a deeper level to our friendship. But it’s so humiliating to be like “all those things I said? Those were me being afraid to admit being myself.” And so freeing at the same time. It’s been so amazing to finally be able to say “I love you” on a regular basis. I’d never EVER been able to do that before, and now they’re some of my favorite parts in the day.

    So anyways, getting a little bit rambly. Just wanted to let you know this was super encouraging and I’m proud of you for letting God show you where he wants to grow you next! It’s gonna be a hard and rewarding journey, and I’ll be making it right next to you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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