Going Forward

I’m going to start out by saying: this post is just something personal that I’ve been struggling with…I don’t know if it’ll apply to you, but hopefully it’ll be of some Christian encouragement ^_^

I sometimes trap myself within my own stereotyped personality.

For example:

I always tell my parents that I don’t want to get married, always act indignant towards things of that matter, when, in reality, I’m a hopeless romantic who believes in soulmates.

But now I’ve made a conundrum for myself.

What if I do get married?

I’ll have to face all of those sly remarks of, “What happened to praying that your future husband didn’t exist, huh?”

And I dread that. I really do. I know everyone’s joking, but I just don’t look forward to those comments.

Another instance would be me struggling with being an introvert.

I enjoy being an introvert…but also, very secretly, enjoy being around people too. I struggle more with close friendships, that is very much true, but I do like chatting with people and interacting with them.

But I can’t let that show. Why? Because I’ve put on this persona for years that I hate people and that no conversation is pleasant on my part.

Just writing that sentence is appalling.

So when I come back from a lovely conversation, I just can’t admit that I enjoyed it, because someone might say, “Wow, look at you socializing! I’m impressed!”

But that’s it. That’s my wall.

These are the walls I’ve built myself…why? I don’t know.

I just feel so trapped. Not by people, but what I’ve made people to perceive about me.

And here’s the thing too: I’m not allowing myself to grow closer to Christ in some areas because I’m selfishly holding onto the things that are comfortable.

Here’s the bad part: no one but me sees this hard heart of mine. Sometimes I deceive myself into thinking, “Well, as long as everyone thinks I’m patient and humble, I can just work on it in private” (*cough* AKA, not put it into action at all *cough*).

Remember how I dread those comments that’ll be made after I do something different? Yeah. Those make me extremely uncomfortable…that’s why I stay in my cozy little hobbit-hole of self reliance, because it’s nice in there and has an abundance of mac ‘n cheese.

But this person in hiding isn’t who God has called me to be.

He has called me to walk in humility, not snark and cynicism. (Zephaniah 2:3)

He has called me to have a soft and loving spirit, not one of coldness (Matthew 5:8)

He’s called me to love my neighbor, not pretend to tolerate them. (John 13:34-35)

So on the outside I’m sweet and kind and caring, and no one’s the wiser.

Guys, that’s super dangerous.

Because then I start believing it.

I become complacent in my walk, and slow my pace in advancing towards the Kingdom.

People think my sassy comments towards marriage or socializing are funny.

But that’s actually my black heart masked by joking words.

Now, I’m not going to be cliché and finish by saying “so don’t worry about what other people say”, but as Christians, we shouldn’t fear what people say…as long as we are walking in the spirit with our eyes towards Christ.

Personally, I am praying that God change me; to renew my mind to be set on things of Him every day.

And yes, those joking comments are going to be difficult to hear and not respond with “Yeah, she just wouldn’t shut up!” and instead say, “Yeah, it was nice catching up with her.”

But guess what?

That teaches humility. It teaches reliance on Christ.

It makes me die to self.

Which is hard, but it’s good.

So that’s what I’m struggling with lately. And sometimes it helps to preach to myself 😛 Hopefully it was an encouragement to you too, though, and I also hope that we all keep our eyes forward.

Not backwards.

Not all around us.

Just forward.

We need to keep advancing until we meet journey’s end.